Metal Gear Feline
by VideoBrit
Summary: This is a pretty retarded parody... at the briefing for the Shadow Moses mission, things go a bit... awry. Note: Despite the fact that this chapter was completely random, the next will have far more plot. RR and all that. Flames welcome, if you want.


Disclaimer: I do not own Metal Gear Solid. I do not own Hello Kitty, thank god. I do not own Bill Gates' Dog. Finally, the date 15/43/21 does not exist. Thank you. Oh, and sorry for the formatting errors earlier – they've been fixed this time, as ff.net isn't allowing those asterisks that you get when you press shift8 that are normally used to signify actions. So they've been replaced with parentheses.  
  
ThEcAmPbElLaToR's Weblog  
  
Entry #109,847. Date: 15/43/21.  
  
I have a new poem to show you, here it is:  
  
"Death" by Roy Campbell  
  
my life is like death  
  
death death death  
  
dying angst blood  
  
down the sewer drain  
  
should i die?  
  
should i live?  
  
FUCK YOU WORLD  
  
YOU CAN'T CHANGE ME  
  
deathDEATHkilldiedeath  
  
-end poem-  
  
Stupid Secretary of Defense yelling at me just because my social studies teacher called. Stupid social studies teacher complaining just because I wrote my term paper in 1337. Oh, suuuure, he claims he couldn't read it, but I AM AN INDIVIDUAL AND MUST NOT HAVE MY ARTISTIC TALENT SQUASHED LIKE THIS! I express myself through 1337! It's like my art!  
  
sniff My parents NEVER LET ME BECOME THE NU-METAL RAP GANGSTA PLAYA POP PIMP THAT I WANTED TO BE. I wish I had some more Emo.  
  
No one UNDERSTANDS me. Except this, my weblog, where millions of total strangers can read random things about me. I WISH I COULD COMMIT SUICIDE. Except for the dying. I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT TO DIE. I WANT NAOMI TO LIKE ME.  
  
Music: "Buy Our Merchandise, You Worthless Sheep" – Good Charlotte  
  
(end entry)  
  
Campbell: (quickly stuffs laptop behind desk at sound of footsteps, looking down at his desk) Ah, yes, hello, old friend. I'm sorry to bring you here at such short notice, but... (looks up) NAOMI??? What are you doing shirtless in front of me? Not that I object, but...  
  
Naomi: (slapping him) Shut up. You told him (jerks thumb at Snake, who is sitting in the back of the room) via Instant Messenger to bring armed soldiers and take me here.  
  
Snake: And by the way, I still can't believe that your screen name is "JumpingMonkeySandwich5".  
  
Campbell: ...crap. You mean that Naomi's screen name isn't "DAVID- HAYTA"??  
  
Naomi: ...oh, dear. Now I see. I suppose you thought that "Summergrl83" was Snake's screen name?  
  
Campbell: Well, I saw that he was getting more in touch with his feminine side, so I assumed –  
  
Snake: (banging table with fist) Look, dammit, I didn't ask to be the official Hello Kitty spokesman! They offered me the job, and without any other possible source of income save male prostitution, I had to accept!  
  
Naomi: (snickers)  
  
Campbell: (jumps) Hello Kitty? Who said anything about Hello Kitty? I think that we should –  
  
Naomi: Look, we're getting off the point here, which is that you, Campbell, sent armed soldiers after me for the sole purpose of taking my clothes off and sitting me down here in full view of you two cretins.  
  
Snake: Actually, Campbell, I disobeyed you a bit. Just out of the goodness of my heart.  
  
Naomi: What? How?  
  
Snake: Well, you told me to send armed soldiers.  
  
Naomi: You did. They had guns.  
  
Snake: No no no, you're missing the point. The soldiers I sent HAD NO ARMS!!!  
  
Campbell: ...THEN HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET NAOMI HERE?  
  
Snake: ...hey, yeah, that's a point. (turns to Naomi) How did they?  
  
Naomi: (is gone, a crude pornographic sketch of Campbell and Snake having sex with Marilyn Manson left where she was sitting)  
  
Campbell: Aw, damn. We'd better try this all over again, hadn't we? Use a "continue" or what have you?  
  
Snake: Yeah, I guess so... but WAIT A SECOND! To use a continue, I'd have to be dea- (is crushed by a box of Ayn Rand novels) REEEAAAGGGH--- AAAAGGGHH----AAAGGGGGHHHH!  
  
Otacon: Snake! Oh no, what happened! Snake! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!  
  
Campbell: Dude, who the hell are you, we don't even know you yet!  
  
Otacon: Oh, oops. So... um... what should I do now?  
  
Campbell: GO AWAY, OF COURSE!  
  
Otacon: Um... make me!  
  
Campbell: (thinks hard)... I know! If you don't leave right now, there will be no more anime, thereby disallowing you to ever make robots just like the Japanese! In fact, there will be no more Japan! No more irritating, flashy j-pop! No more big-haired anime protagonists! No more perverted tentacle rape hentai comics... oh. No more perverted tentacle rape hentai comics. Perhaps I should rethink this.  
  
Otacon: But wouldn't preventing me from ever making robots just like the Japanese be a positive move, all things considered? That is, no more Metal Gear, and –  
  
Campbell: JUST GET OUT! (throws Bill Gates' Dog at him)  
  
Otacon: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (is eaten, gruesomely, with lots of blood, by Bill Gates' Dog)  
  
Bill Gates' Dog: That'll teach you to use Linux, you god-damn penguin- lover. (trots out)  
  
Campbell: Whoa, Bill Gates' Dog can talk?  
  
Bill Gates' Dog: (reappearing in a flash of flames, with two little horns on his head) You try having an owner that sells his soul to Satan, then buys it back for a profit with the help of tax fraud, only to rig the stock market and frame Satan in various corporate scandals so that he can resell it and re-buy it back, if that's even a word, with an even higher profit. And it's Bill Gates' hellhound. Not Dog. You stupid asshole.(trots out again)  
  
Campbell: Oh. Well, that was certainly interesting. (realizes everyone else has either been killed, left, or been replaced with a crude pornographic sketch) Shit, I've become schizophrenic.  
  
Snake: (taps Campbell on shoulder)  
  
Campbell: (turns around, jumps several feet into the air) AAAAAAAAAGH! How the hell did you get here?  
  
Snake: I just came here. (peers at box of Ayn Rand novels) Why is there a box of Ayn Rand novels in front of me? And who is that blond person groaning beneath them?  
  
Campbell: Blond person???? (takes off Matrix-style goth sunglasses, only to see that the person he'd been thinking of as Snake ever since he looked up and saw Naomi naked in front of him had actually been Liquid) Oh, crap. (shoots Snake)  
  
Snake: REEEAAAGGGH---AAAAGGGHH----AAAGGGGGHHHH! (dies)  
  
GAME OVER  
  
--Retry (--) --Quit  
  
Mei Ling: Oh no, pwease no! (weeps hysterically) Snake? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKEEE!!!  
  
Campbell: Jesus, woman, that nearly destroyed my eardrums! And how the hell did you get he-  
  
(The whole thing restarts)  
  
Campbell: Shit, now I have to wait until next chapter.  
  
A/N: Well, there you go. End of first chapter. The next chapter will feature: The Briefing, take 2. And more plot. Though I suppose Goodnight, Moon had more plot than this chapter... oh, hell, just read and review it anyway. Ta muchly. 


End file.
